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Kill Yourself



Some people who attempt suicide mean to die and some aren't completely sure they want to die. For some, a suicide attempt is a way to express deep emotional pain. They can't say how they feel, so, for them, attempting suicide feels like the only way to get their message across. Sadly, many people who really didn't mean to kill themselves end up dead or critically ill.




Kill Yourself



When Sagal posted about her suicidal thoughts, Kiwi Farms users sent private messages urging her to kill herself, a friend said. When posters learned that Terryberry, an 18-year-old with learning disabilities, used the internet to make friends, they worked to get her social media accounts shut down while mocking her mental health struggles. They relentlessly tormented Ginder for being nonbinary. One thread went on for more than a dozen pages.


Has the website with a kill count finally been killed itself? As the forum blinks on and off, the practices it honed continue to spread far beyond the confines of its pages. The forces that allowed it to thrive remain intact. Its users can flock to new platforms. After all, they shaped an internet that empowers them. And if that is the case, this question may be more haunting: Can Kiwi Farms ever die?


The Center for Behavioral Health Statistics Quality publishes the results of the American nationwide household survey, the National Survey of Drug Use and Health (NSDUH). Piscopo's 2017 publication summarized the results from the 2009-2014 surveys, which show that 6% of 18-25-year-olds respond affirmatively to the survey question, "At any time in the past 12 months, did you seriously think about trying to kill yourself?" In contrast, the lowest rate of SI was 1.6% in those aged 65 years and above. There is no clear association between endorsing SI and attempting suicide. For every 31 Americans with SI, only one individual will attempt suicide. The rates of suicide deaths also vary by gender, age, race, and other demographic variables. Further evidence of the weak association between reported SI and fatal suicides is apparent when comparing the NSDUH results to CDC mortality records. Despite the low prevalence of SI in white males over age 75 years, they have the highest rate of fatality by suicide (approx. 40 per 100,000). Meanwhile, females over 75 years have much lower rates (4 per 100,000). The suicide ideators in the 18-25-year-old group had significantly fewer suicide deaths (approx. 17.5 per 100,000 for males and 4 per 100,000 for females).


The tires of my Mama's car are slashed when her car was left on campus. I'm given a single room after the Dean of Students thinks it's too dangerous for me to have a roommate. Finally, Greg Miller, an English Professor, writes an essay about how and why a student in his Liberal Studies class says, "Kiese should be killed for what he's writing." I feel a lot when I read those words, but mainly I wonder what's wrong with me.


I think of my Grandma and remember that old feeling of being so in love that nothing matters except seeing and being seen by her. I drop the gun to my chest. I'm so sad and I can't really see a way out of what I'm feeling but I'm leaning on memory for help. Faster. Slower. I think I want to hurt myself more than I'm already hurting. I'm not the smartest boy in the world by a long shot, but even in my funk I know that easy remedies like eating your way out of sad, or fucking your way out of sad, or lying your way out of sad, or slanging your way out of sad, or robbing your way out of sad, or gambling your way out of sad, or shooting your way out of sad, are just slower, more acceptable ways for desperate folks, and especially paroled black boys in our country, to kill ourselves and others close to us in America.


The only really joyful times in life come from playing basketball and talking shit with O.G. Raymond "Gunn" Murph, my best friend. Gunn is trying to stop himself from slowly killing himself and others, after a smoldering break up with V., his girlfriend of eight years. Some days, Gunn and I save each other's lives just by telling and listening to each other's odd-shaped truth.


Eventually, the ambulance and police arrive. They ask her a lot of questions and keep looking at us. She tells them that we helped her after she was beaten and raped by a three black men in a Monte Carlo. One of the men, she tells the police, was her boyfriend. She refuses to say his name to the police. Gunn looks at me and drops his head. Without saying anything, we know that whatever is in the boys in that car, has to also be in us. We know that whatever is encouraging them to kill themselves slowly by knowingly mangling the body and spirit of this shivering black girl, is probably the most powerful thing in our lives. We also know that whatever is in us that has been slowly encouraging us to kill ourselves and those around us slowly, is also in the heart and mind of this black girl on the couch.


I wonder what all three of those children of our nation really remember about how to slowly kill themselves and other folks in America the day before parts of them definitely died under the blue-black sky in Central Mississippi.


"[I]f you have anything to do with security in a distro, and think that my kids (replace 'my kids' with 'sales people on the road' if you think your main customers are businesses) need to have the root password to access some wireless network, or to be able to print out a paper, or to change the date-and-time settings, please just kill yourself now. The world will be a better place," he wrote.


People with psychosis also have a higher than average risk of suicide. It's estimated 1 in 5 people with psychosis will attempt to commit suicide at some point in their life, and 1 in 25 people with psychosis will kill themselves.


A person with psychosis will often believe an individual or organisation is making plans to hurt or kill them. This can lead to unusual behaviour. For example, a person with psychosis may refuse to be in the same room as a mobile phone because they believe they are mind control devices.


People with psychosis also have an increased risk of suicide. It's estimated 1 in 5 people with psychosis will attempt suicide at some point in their life, and 1 in 25 people with psychosis will kill themselves.


What makes someone want to kill themself?This is a simple answer to complex pathology; in general, when people go into a suicidal dark place they are so overwhelmed with chronic negative feelings and not knowing how to navigate their lives, that they decide that killing themself will relieve their pain. They usually decide that suicide is their only choice, which it is not.


And so she decided there was only one thing to do. Sandy's plan was to wait until the last conceivable moment that it was physically possible for her to commit suicide alone, then go off and kill herself.


Over the past year, Sandy's cognitive abilities had declined to the point where she sometimes couldn't figure out who was her daughter's mother, or how she was related to her sister. Her window of opportunity for killing herself without assistance was closing quickly. So if Sandy really wanted to do it herself, she needed an actual date.


Finding yourself thinking about suicide can be frightening. You might feel alone, and like nobody can understand what you're going through. It may help to know that lots of people struggle with life. Many people who have had the same thoughts have found a way through.


So he will continue to use his love, his voice, to write to his peoples, and he will continue to revise off the echo of his own writing, off his own personal ghosts, off the ghosts of the peoples that came before him, off the written monuments they memorialized. And he can continue to revise and use his voice for his peoples, for his home, for those of us that follow him, and our responses can echo back, as we all examine what is wrong with us, as we all examine how we slowly kill ourselves and those we love in America, as we build homes for ourselves. 041b061a72


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